It's Not Me, It's You
by lila.crane
Summary: A little Angel/Spike bonding, post-Destiny. Originally intended to be a more elaborate, M-rated, "Spike as Angel's seer" story, but I cut it short so instead it's just a little bit of sexual tension laden mutual comfort.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Angel, nor am I in any way affiliated with the show.

A/N: I started this with the intention of it becoming a sexy Angel/Spike rewrite of the second half of Season 5, and then eventually Buffy was going to show up and they'd become a threesome and all kinds of enjoyable naughtiness would ensue, but I never even got close to that far. So instead it's basically a two chapter exercise of me writing in Spike's voice because it's fun. Anyone feeling compelled to take it as a prompt and run with it, be my guest.

**----------------**

"It is you mate" Spike said matter of factly as he sauntered into Angel's living room.

Angel sat on the sofa staring into his glass, watching ice settle in his whiskey. He'd felt it when Spike entered the apartment, but he ignored it. He wasn't in the mood for another round just yet. He didn't want to admit it, but his pride was still hurt from the last fight. Plus his shoulder was killing him. Unfortunately when Spike started speaking, it made it impossible to keep ignoring him.

"What's me, Spike?" Angel asked, not looking up from his glass.

"You know, the Shanshu whatsit. The prophecy and the champion of the people and all that. Overheard you talking to Chuck after I left the room earlier. Worried maybe it's me and not you and what's your purpose if it's not fighting evil and such. Well, just ease your mind is all, because it's not me. It's you."

Angel continued brooding in the direction of his drink until Spike had finished his monologue. Finally he looked up at Spike and silently stared. Spike took this as a sign that he was not being kicked out just yet and walked over and sat down next to Angel. Angel didn't know where Spike was going with all this, what he was after, but for the time being he was too tired to care. He picked up the bottle of Jack Daniels hiding beside the sofa and placed it on the coffee table in front of Spike. Spike shot a confused look at Angel, but when he saw that Angel had returned to gazing intently at his glass, he shrugged, and took a swig. The two vampires sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity to Spike, but was actually twenty minutes.

"It doesn't really matter who the prophecy's about anyway" Spike finally broke the silence. It was clear that Spike wasn't leaving until he'd said everything he wanted to say, so Angel turned to face him, indicating that he go on.

"The thing of it is, it's not really about what happens during the apocalypse or the humany reward at the end. It's about the purpose, what you do today and what you're gonna do tomorrow and the day after. The non-apocalypse days." Spike wasn't sure why he was saying all this. He was only saying what he really believed, but he knew it's also what Angel needed to hear, which made it all the more confusing as to why he was saying it. But now that he'd started he couldn't very well stop. "Even if your soul's a curse, you've always been the one with a purpose. You fight everyday because you know you have to, doing what you know is right. The only purpose I ever had was Buffy."

At this Angel had had enough. "Get out Spike" he growled as he got up and started to walk away.

Spike stood and grabbed Angel by the shoulder, turning him back to face him. "Look, you're the one who let me start so you should bloody well let me finish."

Angel continued to glower but relaxed his arm and waited for Spike to continue.

"Right, all I'm saying is Buffy was my reason for fighting for the white hats to start and she was my reason for going after the soul and she was my reason for giving it all up in the end. And now that I'm back I'll fight on this side because my soul's telling me that's what I'm supposed to do, but when it comes down to it, I'm a good guy because of a girl. Even if she is the slayer and a hell of a girl."

"Spike, the point better be getting here soon" Angel tensed up again, starting to lose his patience.

"My point, mate, is that you're a good guy, a hero, a champion, whatever, because you want to help people. And the bloody Powers know that. They know it's you otherwise they wouldn't keep sending you those guides. You don't see them wasting any of their fancy vision seeing martyrs on me, do ya? I got my soul and I went straight back to follow the girl. And I couldn't even do that part. Went all batty first and had to have her save me before I could even get in the fight again. So that's how I figure it's gotta be you. Cause it sure as hell ain't me."

Angel sighed. "Yeah well, look at me now. I work for an evil law firm and my last _guide_ gave birth to a fascist goddess and is now in a coma because I couldn't save her. And I don't see the Powers sending me another one." Angel was starting to shake with frustration. He could feel tears welling up and he couldn't think clearly enough to find a way to get Spike out of there before they started falling.

Spike was caught off guard by how much sympathy he was feeling for his grandsire, but it didn't change his natural instinct to try to piss Angel off whenever possible. "Yeah well, I'm sure one'll be along any day now. You never know. Maybe it's me."

His joke didn't illicit the response Spike was expecting. Angel's tears started to fall and his shoulders were shaking with his sobs. He sunk down to the floor and sat back on his feet. Now Spike couldn't fight the overwhelming urge to comfort his grandsire. He picked up Angel's glass and drained it before sitting down on the floor in front of him.

"Look mate..." Spike began, but Angel cut him off, reaching out for Spike's shoulders and pulling him towards him into a hug.

Spike was stunned for a few seconds before he realized what had just happened. Then he was stunned again when he realized he didn't feel the urge to pull away. Slowly he relaxed into Angel's embrace, bringing his arms up around him and gently rubbing his back as he sobbed.

After a few minutes Angel stopped sobbing. When he noticed that Spike was holding him and soothingly caressing his lower back, he panicked and pulled away. Before he could stand up, Spike's fingers were on his face, wiping away the lingering tears. The feeling against his skin was so comforting that Angel unconsciously sighed and leaned into Spike's touch.

"Are we doing this then?" Spike asked while letting his fingers linger on Angel's cheek.

"What? Oh, I...not if you don't..." Angel pulled back from Spike's touch and began to stand. "I didn't mean to...I'm sorry."

"No, I'm just saying...it's just, it's been a long time." Spike stood up and looked tenderly at Angel.

Angel fixed his gaze out the window for a moment while struggling with the thought of what could happen. In the past day his whole existence had been called into question. He felt like he was teetering back and forth on the edge of a cliff. And now, after everything, the only person standing there to catch him was Spike.

**----------------**


	2. Chapter 2

**----------------**

Spike was pleasantly dreaming of running his hands up and down the soft golden skin of Buffy's back. She moaned under his touch and he brushed her hair over her shoulder and leaned down to tenderly kiss the back of her neck. Just as she was turning to face him she disappeared and Spike was standing in the middle of a dank warehouse. The air around him was thick with a sweet smell and a girl with long, dark hair hanging in front of her face was approaching him with a small hacksaw. Suddenly a searing pain shot through his skull and his hands went numb.

He awoke screaming and clutching his head. When he opened his eyes he saw sunlight filling the room in front of him and he jumped back, anticipating the usual painful burning sensation. He grasped frantically for something to cover himself with, but found nothing. Once he realized that there was no burning and the pain in his head had dissipated slightly, he looked around and finally realized where he was. He was on the sofa in the living room of Angel's penthouse, crouched in the corner of it in his attempt to get away from the sun.

"Spike, what's going on?" Angel growled impatiently as he ran into the living room. Spike's scream had clearly interrupted his shower as he had a towel wrapped around his waist and water was still dripping off of him.

"Sorry, um...bad dream? And splitting headache...and I was disoriented when I woke up and the sunlight...well, I just wasn't expecting it, I s'pose." Spike realized that he was still cowering in the corner of the sofa and scooted forward, setting his feet on the floor and leaning his elbows on his knees.

"You just woke up screaming because you had a headache? In your sleep?" Angel asked hesitantly. He was afraid he knew what was going on, but didn't want to jump to any conclusions.

"Yeah, s'what it seemed like. Didn't realize I'd drank so much last night."

Angel walked around the table and sat down on the other end of the sofa. "What was the dream?"

Spike looked at Angel, confused, then looked at his hands for a moment. "Well I was having a pleasant dream about giving a massage to a...um...well, a particular Slayer." Spike watched as Angel shifted uncomfortably. "Then that was all gone and I was in some kind of factory type room and a girl was coming at me with some sorta saw. Then it was like I'd been shot in the bloody forehead."

After Spike had finished, Angel stared at the floor for a minute, looking graver than normal. Finally, he stood up and went to the kitchen. He prepared two mugs of blood, then walked back to the living room, handing one to Spike and sitting back down on the sofa.

Angel sighed a heavy, melancholy sigh before turning to Spike. "You had a vision."

Spike shook his head violently. "Wait a minute now. Let's not be jumping to conclusions. I had a crazy dream, is all. We got no good reason to think it's a soddin' vision." He looked at Angel with a hint of panic in his eyes.

Angel wanted nothing more that to pull Spike towards him and tell him he was wrong. That he hadn't just been saddled with the big, painful burden of guiding Angel back to a path he'd strayed perilously far from in the past few months. But he was almost certain that he was right. Part of him was rejoicing at the thought that he had a guide again, that the Powers hadn't given up on him. But the rest of him was saddened and worried because he knew the suffering that Spike would have to endure from now on.

Spike had turned away from Angel and rested his head in his hands. "It's not right. I can't do this. What the hell are the Powers thinking? I mean, sure I can make a few grand gestures when the stakes are high, but this, every day, this bleedin' responsibility, I can't do it. I can't be trusted. Why would they give this to me?" Spike was talking to himself more than anyone. As he was speaking his eyes had begun to well up and tears were now dripping onto his knees.

Angel couldn't hold back any longer. He shifted closer to Spike and laid an arm across Spike's back, gently pulling him towards his side. Spike stiffened at first, then relaxed and leaned into Angel, giving in to violent sobs that shook his entire frame.

Angel clutched Spike closer and gently kissed the top of his head. "Shh. It'll be alright. We can go downstairs and you can sing for Lorne. Maybe he can tell us how this happened...and why. Then we can start working on figuring out the vision." Spike just trembled and continued to lean against Angel.

After holding Spike for a few minutes, Angel made to get up. "I'm going to go get dressed so we can head down to the office. Do you want me to reheat your blood? Or if you want to shower or anything you can..."

"...I'm not a bleedin' baby." Spike wiped the lingering tears from his face and looked up at Angel. "I mean, yeah, I'm caught off guard and more than a little thrown by this, but...but I don't need to be coddled." He stood up and made a show of grabbing his mug and downing the blood in one long swallow. When he looked back at Angel, he could see the concern in his eyes. He was surprised that it wasn't accompanied by any pity or mockery. Just genuine concern and a hint of kindness.

"Yeah, alright, maybe I'll shower. Clear my head a bit."

"Towels are in the cupboard under the sink." Angel turned and headed back into his room with Spike close behind.

**----------------**


End file.
